


He Loves Me Not

by IvanW



Series: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Established Relationship, Gay, Humor, M/M, Pining, Romance, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-11 02:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4417454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Jim said he loved someone else and the time he finally said it to Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leonard

Jim laughed at something Leonard said, his blue eyes lit with good humor as he slapped Leonard’s shoulder with affection. Leonard had to admit, reluctantly, that ever since Jim started shacking up with Spock—about five months earlier—his best friend seemed to be in endless good humor. Well, when Spock wasn’t lecturing Jim about some Starfleet violation that was. Then Jim’s jaw would tighten, his eyes would narrow, and he’d get this prissy look that mean trouble for all. But most especially for Spock himself.

But just then Jim’s humor was very good, so good that everyone at the table with him in the mess smiled, too. Except Spock, who never smiled. Not in front of any of them, anyhow.

“I seriously love you, Bones,” Jim declared. “So so much.”

“Well, of course you do, darling. Who can resist me?”

“Not me.” Jim laughed again and rose from his seat. “You coming, Spock?”

“In a moment, Captain. I’d like to have a word with the doctor.”

Jim gave Spock a quizzical smile but he shrugged. “Okay. See you on the bridge.”

Others excused themselves to follow and soon Leonard found himself alone with Spock.

There was absolutely no expression on Spock’s face, nevertheless, Leonard got the sense that Spock was upset. Vulcan upset anyway.

“What can I do for you, Spock?”

“I-I have some concerns.”

“I gathered that. Health concerns?”

Spock did not reply, but instead looked past Leonard as though he weren’t there.

Leonard waved his hand in front of Spock’s face.” You there?”

“It is a personal matter.”

“All right.”

“I am not certain I can speak of it,” Spock said. “Not with you.”

Leonard tried not to find that offensive. “Why don’t you try Jim then?”

Spock’s eyes widened. “I cannot.”

“Oh.” He nodded. “It relates to Jim.”

“Yes.”

Leonard tapped his fingers on the table. “Want me to take a guess?”

“Very well.”

“Something sexual,” Leonard guessed. “Jim is too demanding sexually. He wants it all the time and you don’t.”

Spock blinked. “Certainly not.”

“No? Hmm. Having trouble getting your equipment to work?”

“Doctor, please,” Spock said, his voice sounding vaguely strangled. “There is nothing wrong whatsoever sexually between myself and the captain.”

“So you’re enjoying a fulfilling sexual relationship?”

“Yes.” Spock’s jaw was so rigid it looked as though it might break.

“No particular kinks of Jim’s you can’t perform?”

“Negative.”

“Or kinks of yours he can’t?”

“Doctor—”

“I know, I know. Everything’s peachy. You want to bottom and Jim won’t let you?” he asked this with a little chuckle. Leonard was enjoying this more than he thought he would.

Spock began to look a little bit like he did just before he choked Jim on the bridge. “Dr. McCoy, I have already told you there is nothing wrong with our sexual relationship. We do it repeatedly, kinks and all, almost every day, sometimes several times a day, and I am more than happy to top. Is that sufficient information for you?”

Leonard cleared his throat. “I see.”

“And if you tell anyone I said any of that, I will deny it.”

“No worries, Spock. I’m a doctor not a tabloid reporter. “

Spock stared at him stonily.

“Okay, so what, then?”

“As you are aware, the captain and I began our relationship five months ago.”

“Yes.”

“And basically from the first day, we have spent every night together.”

“I guess you’d have to if you were doing it every day.” Leonard held up his hands at Spock’s look. “Sorry. Continue.”

“And not once has he—” Spock turned a little green as he trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“Spoken of affection.”

Leonard frowned. “Wait. What? You mean he doesn’t—”

“He does not speak of caring or of a long term commitment.”

“You mean he doesn’t say he loves you,” Leonard said.

Spock nodded stiffly.

“You’ve expressed that sentiment yourself?”

Spock nodded again. “More than once.”

“And he heard you?”

“Yes.”

“Well.” Leonard was not sure what to say. The truth was Leonard certainly was no expert at love. He had a divorce and several broken love affairs to provide proof of that. He certainly did not know enough to provide advice to lovelorn Vulcans.

“This morning, just now, he said it to you. Not once. Not twice. But three times. The last time was as he was leaving this table.”

“That wasn’t really the same thing,” Leonard protested. “Spock, listen. I’m pretty sure Jim is crazy in love with you.”

“Then why does he not say so?”

Leonard opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. Opened it again. “He’s shy?”

“We are speaking of James T. Kirk.”

“Does he-he react at all when you say it?”

“Most of the time, no. He continues as though it was not said. One time, he kissed me thoroughly after I said it, but then when he pulled away, he was moving on to another subject entirely.”

“Spock, you’re like his first long-term relationship. I’m sure he’s told you that. It just takes some time for him to feel comfortable saying it.” Leonard guessed so, anyway.

“It has been five months.”

“I’m not sure Jim works well with time limits. Have you asked him?”

“Certainly not. I would not.”

“Well, why not?”

“I might not like the answer,” Spock said softly. He pushed back from the table and stood. “I thank you for your counsel, even though it did not help in the least.”

“Um. Sure?”

Leonard watched as Spock headed out of the mess room. Who knew it would be Spock pining after Jim instead of the other way around? 


	2. Nyota

“Lieutenant, if you can get me off this planet in one piece, without any loss of life, due to your communication skills, I’ll be your slave forever.”

Nyota snorted. “An interesting prospect, Captain, but I think I’ll pass.” She studied the coordinates on the side panel of the wall in the building they were trapped in. “The language is quite ancient.”

She noticed out of the corner of her eye, Spock moving closer to their captain. She shouldn’t be that surprised she guessed. He’d always been weirdly protective of Kirk, but since they’d officially become a couple, Spock’s protection had become sort of obsessive in her opinion. They were both her friends, really, she adored them, but seriously. Tedious.

Kirk stepped closer and looked over her shoulder. “No, really. I’ll totally swear my undying love for you.”

She was aware of Spock stiffening beside her. She almost rolled her eyes. Spock should know by now Kirk was all talk. Their captain was head over heels in love with Spock. Anyone could see it a mile away.

“Well, stepping back, so you aren’t breathing down my neck might help me concentrate, Captain.”

Kirk sighed and stepped away, across the room, and Spock, Nyota noticed, dutifully followed. She wondered if Kirk was aware he had a Vulcan shadow.

She continued working on the panel, looking back over her shoulder occasionally. Once she caught Kirk and Spock standing very close with Kirk’s hands on Spock’s arms, squeezing his biceps. They were speaking in low voices.  They were so damn obvious. For the first month they were together they’d been certain it was a big secret until Nyota had told them every one had been talking about it for weeks. Normal captains did not rub up their first officer’s arms.

Nyota pressed a button and stepped back triumphantly. “There! Coded, Captain. You should be able to contact the ship and get us out of here now.”

Kirk grinned, stepping over to her once more. “Really?” He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Scott here, Captain.”

“Scotty!” Jim crowed. “It’s great to hear your voice. We need beam up immediately.”

“Standby, Captain. We’ll have you up shortly.”

Kirk turned toward Nyota. “I love you. And you are so getting a raise.”

A short time later, after they were beamed back onto the Enterprise, Nyota found herself walking with Spock to the turbolift. Kirk had gone to speak to Leonard in the medbay, and she could tell Spock had wanted go with him, but had reluctantly headed for the bridge.

“You okay?” Nyota asked as they stepped onto the lift.

“Of course.”

“You just seem a little tenser than usual. Things okay with you and Kirk?”

“Of course,” Spock said again.

“You know you can talk to me if there’s anything.” Sure, it might be a little awkward to talk with her ex about his current lover. But Nyota knew she wasn’t just anyone. She prided herself on forgiveness, not living in the past, and an open mind. Spock was her past and she was okay with that.

“It just…is not quite what I expected.”

Nyota stopped the lift. “You and Kirk?”

“Affirmative.”

“Is he being a jerk?”

“No, Nyota. Our relationship is quite fulfilling.”

“But?”

Spock shook his head.

“Come on, Spock. Talk to me.”

“He is not as…emotional with me as I expected he would be.”

Nyota frowned. “That is strange. He’s a pretty emotional guy.”

“Yes.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Negative.”

She smiled patted his arm. “Maybe you should? One thing I know, Spock, is Kirk is really into you.”

Spock nodded. She noticed he seemed to be less tense then as she restarted the turbolift.

It was only ten minutes after they had reached the bridge that the doors opened again and Kirk stepped out of the lift.

“Keptin on the bridge.”

Kirk headed for his chair and Spock immediately came to stand by him. Kirk glanced at him and smiled quite brightly from what Nyota could see. In fact she noticed Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly in response. She was sure they would be fine.

Hours later she walked with them to their quarters. She didn’t fail to notice that Kirk completely bypassed his own to go straight to Spock’s door.

“Goodnight, Lieutenant,” he called as Spock opened the door.

“Night, Captain. Spock.”

The door closed behind them and for a moment she lingered outside the door. She was pretty sure the loud noise she heard was Kirk being slammed against the bulkhead, because she heard a “Spo—” directly after.  

Nyota continued to her quarters, wondering what Scotty was doing and if she should contact him.  


	3. Spock Prime

Spock had been concerned about Jim most of the day. It had not been a good day for any of them—with a very bad deadly mission—but Jim had taken it harder than anyone. Loss of life was never easy for any of them but for Jim…he took it exceedingly personal.

Jim complained of an excruciating headache but he had refused to seek help from Dr. McCoy and had told Spock to keep his weekly dinner appointment with Nyota even though Spock wished to stay with Jim. Jim could be very stubborn when he wanted to be, and as far as Spock could tell, Jim always wanted to be stubborn. It was something Spock had to adjust to with Jim both as Spock’s captain and as Spock’s lover.

Spock knew that when Jim felt he felt deep. Sometimes he wondered if perhaps Jim was part Vulcan for he seemed to feel emotions intensely. But the deeper he felt, the more reserved Jim could be. Spock hadn’t realized it until he had become closer to Jim than anyone in his life…ever really. And it was at times like this when Jim shut down and got very quiet. He became a ghost of the brash, boisterous captain they were all used to and Spock had to be persistent in his attempts to reach Jim, because his lover would let no one in easily. Not even the doctor who seemed to be allowed liberties Spock was not.

So in spite of the fact Spock was dismissed from Jim's care, he accessed Jim's quarters the minute he finished dinner with Nyota. She had expressed her concerns that he was ending their evening early, but Spock had been unable to occupy his mind with anything other than thoughts of Jim and his pain.

Early in their personal relationship, Jim had given Spock permission to enter Jim’s quarters any time he wished, and though Spock didn’t always do so, he had decided to do so this time without prior announcement.

Jim was talking to someone in a low voice and Spock immediately realized Jim was on his terminal with Spock's own counterpart. For a moment, Spock paused. He was aware that Jim spoke to his counterpart at least once a week. There was little he could say in protest to this, for it seemed to make Jim happy, and that was what was important to Spock. But Spock didn’t necessarily like or understand it. It was not logical to begrudge Jim friendships with either his counterpart or Dr. McCoy and yet…Spock was not always as logical as he should be.

"I have to go. Spock's here. Just…thanks."

"You are welcome, Jim."

Jim smiled somewhat shyly. "Love you. Live Long and Prosper."

The screen went blank and Jim turned to Spock, who kept his face carefully blank with effort. The look he gave Spock was one of captainly disapproval.

"I thought you were having dinner with Nyota."

"We concluded our meal. I wished to check on your welfare."

Jim licked his lips and sighed, but nodded. "You didn't have to."

Spock was still dealing with Jim telling a Spock who was not him that he loved him. In a way it gave him hope but also it made him uneasy. He could not voice any of that to his lover though.

He took a step closer to Jim and that was when he realized whatever his conversation had been with his counterpart, it had not eased any distress. Jim's eyes had a wet sheen to them and he looked ready to drop from exhaustion. Jim really was an excellent actor when he wished to be.

 Spock pulled Jim to his feet and his lover came instantly into Spock's arms.

"I am here."

Jim’s arms came around Spock’s middle and he held Spock tightly. "I hate being Captain."

Spock petted Jim's hair. "You do not."

Jim buried his face in Spock's neck. “Sometimes I do.”

“There was nothing you could have done differently.”

“Are you sure?”

Spock nodded. “They were aware of the risks when enlisting in Starfleet.”

Jim was shaking a little so Spock tightened his hold. “They were so young.”

“No younger than you.” Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s face. All he could sense was an intense physical ache. "Your head still pains you?"

"Yeah."

Spock led him to the bed. "Lie down. You need rest."

"But-"

Spock pulled Jim's shirts off, then pushed him gently onto the bed. He removed his lover's boots and pants.

"You don't have to take care of me," Jim protested, but it was half-hearted.

"I disagree." Spock removed a hypo from his pocket and injected it into Jim's neck.

Jim’s breath hitched on a hiss, but the pain in Jim’s eyes instantly eased. "You got that from sickbay?"

"Affirmative."

Jim smiled just a little. "You're amazing."

Spock sat on the bed next to him and laid Jim's head on the pillow. "Go to sleep."

For a long time, Jim stared at Spock. He could sense that Jim wanted to say more but he held himself back. Spock was not sure why. He was always left feeling like Jim didn’t give all of himself to Spock.

"You'll stay?" Jim finally asked, his voice a gentle whisper that floated up Spock’s spine.

Spock lightly kissed him. "As long as you want me to."

"Always." Jim gave him the smile he recognized as special to Spock only, and it eased a little of the tightness in his chest Spock felt.

He stroked Jim's forehead. He could feel his lover's pain and despair. "Forget," he whispered as Jim closed his eyes.


	4. Scotty

During their five months together as a romantic pair, Spock woke first nearly every day they spent together. And since their first time together, Spock estimated they had spent all but three nights together.

Once had been while Jim was on a planet for a diplomatic mission, the second had been when an injured Spock had been forced to spend a night in the medbay by orders of Dr. McCoy, and the third had been after a disagreement.

Jim hated to have regulations quoted at him, as Spock had learned all too well. In the beginning, Spock had believed it was because Jim did not know the regulations Spock quoted at him and was disturbed at being advised of them. But on one occasion, Jim quoted several conflicting regulations right back at him, and it was then Spock realized that Jim just didn’t want the regulations to apply to him. Thus the disagreement that had caused them to spend a night apart.

Jim had been very restless the night before, his sleep disturbed by frequent dreams. More than once Spock had been jarred awake when Jim kicked him in his sleep or thrashed about. Unfortunately this was not a particularly rare night for them, for Jim never did anything easy, even sleeping.

Once when Spock had remarked on it, Jim had closed off and said that perhaps once they had finished having intercourse, they should return to their respective quarters. Spock had not mentioned it again, but neither of them had gone back to their own quarters either.

Jim’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled at Spock. “Morning.”

“Good morning.”

“Been awake long?”

“Just a few minutes. How did you sleep?” Spock asked, knowing what response Jim would provide.

“Fine.” It was always the same response.

Spock had never felt so intensely and had such a connection to anyone before, even Nyota, yet he was growing frustrated with Jim’s unwillingness to share.

“What? What’s wrong?”

Spock shook his head. “Nothing, ashaya.”

Jim’s fingers grazed Spock’s jaw. “Are you sure?”

The skin contact afforded Spock a brief flash of Jim’s emotions. Worry, anxiety, insecurity. Spock was reminded of an early conversation he had with the doctor where he had advised Spock he needed to tread very carefully with Jim because of abandonment issues. At the time, Spock had not thought much of the conversation for Dr. McCoy was always up in Jim’s business. But now five months later, Spock knew that a lot of his own problems with Jim came from those abandonment issues.  

He covered Jim’s fingers with his own. “I am positive. Would you like to have breakfast with Nyota and me?”

Jim shook his head. “I have a million things to do today. I need to get right to the bridge.”

“You still need to eat.”

“I’ll have an apple.”

“That is not enough.”

Jim smiled, but there was just a touch of an edge to the look he gave Spock. “It’ll have to be for now. I’ll fill up later.” He rose from the bed and headed straight for the shower, but not before he looked over his shoulder. “Want to join me?”

“Indeed.”

****

Nyota tapped her fingers on the table in front of Spock as they sat in the mess room. “Are you okay? You seem even more pensive than usual.”

“I am currently functional.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, as glad as I am to know that, what’s wrong? Is it Jim? You know you can tell me anything about him. Just because I’m your ex doesn’t mean it has to be awkward.”

“He was speaking with my counterpart last night.”

“And so?”

Spock lifted his tea to his lips. “I do not know.”

“Are you jealous?” Nyota shook her head. “Oh, honey, you don’t need to be.”

“They are quite close.”

“Yeah, but you have nothing to worry about. Jim thinks of him as a father figure.”

“How do you know?”

“He told me once.”

That did surprise Spock. He did not think Jim shared personal information with Nyota. “When?”

“Oh just one time when he mentioned that he’d been talking to him and I asked him about it.” She shrugged. “He said even though you’re both Spock, he doesn’t really think of you as the same. That now that Chris Pike is gone, he goes to your counterpart for that kind of advice. He didn’t say father specifically but I knew that was what he meant.”

“That does make sense,” Spock admitted. “I do wish he would consult with me more than he does though.”

“He very much keeps to himself. Other than you and Leonard, that is. And surely you aren’t worried about his closeness with Leonard?” She stopped, stared at him, her mouth hanging open. “You are, aren’t you? Oh, Spock, it isn’t the same thing at all. Jim adores you.”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“He does.” She smiled. “I see it in the way he looks at you. He looks at you all day long, really. He’s always turning around on the bridge to see you. He doesn’t do that with _anyone_ else. I think you comfort him. He needs that. Really, Spock, I saw it even before you and I broke up.”

Spock did feel better after speaking with Nyota, so as he made his way to the bridge he was extra aware as Jim’s chair turned toward him the minute he stepped off the turbolift. Jim gave him the special smile and Spock could not deny the warmth he felt in his side.

It was only a short time after that when everything on the ship went wrong. They were attacked by Klingons, which had damaged the ship’s engines. They needed to get away and fast but the ship was disabled.

“Scotty, come on. We’re a sitting duck here,” Jim said from his chair.

Spock noticed Sulu and Chekov were sending their captain nervous looks.

“I’m working as fast I can, Captain,” Mr. Scott’s voice wailed over the intercom.

Jim stood up from his chair and approached the screen. Spock rose and went to stand beside him. Jim glanced his way. Spock noticed he took a step closer to Spock. He was beginning to believe Nyota had been right about her assessment of Jim needing Spock’s comfort.

“If I can provide assistance to Mr. Scott—”

Jim shook his head. “He’ll do it.”

Spock opened his mouth to say something else when Jim turned to fully face him. Their gazes met and Spock saw the brief flash of desperation there—it reminded him of when they had waited for Admiral Marcus to destroy their ship—but it was gone in an instant and Jim’s eyes and expression were back to determined and calm. Spock realized that Jim’s hand was on his arm. Jim licked his lips, nodded and turned back toward the captain’s chair.

“Scotty?”

“I need another ten minutes.”

“We haven’t got ten minutes, Scotty. I need the engines working now.”

“Captain,” Sulu said, his voice sounding shaky. “The Klingon ship is returning.”

“Now, Scotty.”

“I really need those ten minutes.”

“Scotty,” Jim said through clenched teeth.

“All right then. We can warp, but I cannae promise anything. And I don’t recommend anything over warp four.”

“I need six.”

“You’re mad.”

Jim’s jaw was set. “Mr. Sulu, warp six. Get us out of here.”

“Aye, Captain. Warp six.”

The ship lurched, tilted and then lurched again before the warp drive kicked in and the Enterprise left the Klingon ship behind.

“Woo hoo! I cannae believe it,” Mr. Scott shouted. “She held together.”

Jim smiled. “Scotty, I love you. “

“My modesty.” But Mr. Scott was laughing. “I surprised even myself with that one.”

“Keep me posted on the rest of the repairs. Kirk out.”

He looked at Spock then with such a bright smile that it made Spock’s heart speed up and he barely minded that Jim had said those words to his Chief Engineer.


	5. The Crew

Pavel loved it when Kirk played cards with them.  It meant that for a few hours their commanding officer spent time with them. And he liked Kirk. Pavel would not wish to serve under anyone else.  He had thought Pike was a good captain. He liked him. But Kirk had won Pavel’s heart. Well…his Starfleet heart, anyway.

Yes, there was the time Kirk saved them from Nero. And then Khan. But there were also various times he had directly saved or protected Pavel from death or injury. And also he had saved Hikaru, Pavel’s best friend.

Just now it was the captain, himself, Hikaru and Mister Scott playing. Kirk was playing partners with Mister Scott while Pavel was partnered with Hikaru. Tonight the captain was in a good mood. Sometimes he was not and those nights made Pavel sad. But tonight was a good night.

Mr. Scott kept pouring scotch in the captain’s glass and that might have contributed to the captain’s good mood. It also contributed to him not really paying much attention to the card game.

Pavel was having a very good time. Until Mister Spock arrived. He did not dislike Mister Spock. He respected his commander very much. And he took good care of their captain. But he made Pavel nervous in a way that the captain never did. It also usually meant he was coming to collect their captain, which put an end to their fun.

“Mister Spock, join us,” Pavel said politely.

The Vulcan arched his brow but turned to the captain, who patted the seat next to him.

“Hey, sweetheart. I’m not quite done. Why don’t you sit down with me?”

“How much of Mister Scott’s scotch have you had?”

“Hardly any.” Kirk waved his hand. “Sit.”

Spock hesitated but then took the seat the captain indicated. Pavel was not surprised because Kirk had made it sound like an order.

Pavel was now anxious for the game to be finished. It was hard not to make mistakes with Spock around. He cleared his throat. “It is your turn, Keptin.”

“Is it?” Kirk grinned. “You sure?”

Hikaru chuckled. “Yeah, it’s you.”

Kirk waved again and looked over at Spock. “Hiya.”

Even Pavel had to laugh at that. Especially when Spock arched a brow at the captain.

“You are clearly intoxicated, Captain.”

“Well, not clearly.” Kirk looked at Scotty and played his cards. “I think I need another.”

Mister Scott happily obliged. “You know, Mister Spock, if you want to go retire to your quarters, I’ll see that the captain gets back safe and sound.”

“No, No,” Kirk said. “I’ll go with Spock in a minute. We have to be together.”

Pavel was fairly certain Spock was blushing.

“I can leave you to it if you wish, Captain.”

Kirk shook his head. “No. I don’t want to be left.” He suddenly looked really sad. The abrupt change surprised Pavel and he began to agree with the commander that Kirk had enough to drink.

Spock subtly touched Kirk’s hand and the captain was smiling again. “You are over tired.”

Kirk nodded. “Probably. But Scotty and I are about to beat the boys.”

“We’re losing, Jim,” Scott said.

“Shit. Really?”

Hikaru snickered beside Pavel. “Your second game in a row.”

“Are we playing for credits?”

“Yes,” Pavel answered.

“Well, fuck me.”

“In fact,” Hikaru announced. “You just lost, sir.”

Kirk leaned his head on Spock’s shoulder. “I’m kind of drunk.”

“I realize that,” Spock replied. He pushed away the unfinished drink in front of the captain. “It is time to quit.”

“You’re the boss.” Kirk frowned. “Actually, I’m the boss.”

“Of course.” Spock rose and reached down to gently pull Kirk up from his seat.

Kirk smiled. “I love these guys. Don’t you love these guys, Spock? We have the best crew. I love the crew.”

“We do have the best crew,” Spock agreed, gently taking Kirk’s arm. “Goodnight, gentlemen.”

“Night, sir.”

Kirk suddenly drooped in Spock’s arms as he carried him out of the rec room.

Hikaru shook his head. “That mission on Rialus V really threw the captain. He’s still not recovered.”

Pavel frowned. “But he was in a good mood.”

“Oh, yeah. But most of that was for our benefit, Pavel. Kirk had been really friendly with Ensign Powell. He went to the Academy with Powell’s older brother. He’ll get through it. Like he always does.”

Pavel nodded. “Yes. You want to play some more?”

Scott shook his head. “I’ve got a date, lads.”

When Scott left, Pavel turned to Hikaru. “Who is he dating?”

“Uhura.”

“I am the last to know everything.”

Hikaru ruffled Pavel’s hair. “Come on, kid. Let’s go to bed.”

 


	6. Spock

It was three weeks after the disastrous mission on Rialus V when Spock finally decided to take matters into his own hands with Jim. No one else had really been able to provide advice to Spock that was satisfactory in dealing with Jim. He believed that Jim loved him, but if he was wrong, Spock wanted to know it so that he could end their romantic relationship. It would be painful to do so, but Spock wanted…Spock needed…a mate. Not just a pleasurable sexual partner.

Spock found his lover behind his terminal in his quarters doing reports. He looked up with a tired smile when Spock stopped to stand in front of him.

“Hey.”

“Jim.”

“Sorry I missed dinner. I got caught up in all this red tape.”

“It does not matter. What does is there is a serious issue in our relationship that must be addressed and it has been ignored for too long.”

Jim blinked rapidly at him and pushed slightly back from the chair. “A serious issue?”

“Indeed.”

“I see. Well. Maybe you’d better sit down then, Spock.”

“Negative. I wish to stand.”

Jim leaned back in the chair, his blue eyes unreadable. “What’s on your mind?”

Now that it was time, Spock hesitated. This was the moment he would not be able to take back.

“Spock?”

“I am in love with you,” Spock said softly. “I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you. I have expressed this sentiment on three separate occasions. Each of those times I anticipated a response from you but none were forthcoming.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

Spock blinked himself. “Okay?”

Jim sort of winced. “I’ve been-I’ve been putting this off for months. I guess I can’t do that anymore.”

Spock felt a stab in his heart. He had been wrong. Jim did not love him. How could he be so wrong? He had been sure. Everyone else had too.

Spock stumbled backwards. “Perhaps I had better sit after all.”

He sat on the edge of Jim’s bed, though he was not sure why. Perhaps because he would never spend time in Jim’s bed again. Jim had risen from behind the desk and was approaching Spock.

“I know I should have said something before about this. It was just—it’s a lot harder than I thought.”

Spock swallowed heavily. He could feel himself beginning to shake, no matter how much control he was trying to have. “You do not-do not—”

Jim shook his head, as though to himself, and then knelt in front of Spock. He took Spock’s hands in his and though Spock tried to pull away, Jim would not let him.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'du,” Jim said softly.

Spock felt as though his very heart stopped for several seconds as he stared into the most beautiful eyes he had ever known.

Jim sighed. “See? I said it wrong, didn’t I? I’ve been practicing it for months and I never could get it right. And I wanted it to be special. I can’t—”

Spock lurched forward and seized Jim in his arms, squeezing him tight, burying his face in Jim’s neck.

“Spock?” Jim squeaked.

“You said it perfectly.”

“Yeah? Are you sure? My pronunciation wasn’t off?”

Of course it was. But it was perfect all the same.

“It was perfect,” Spock repeated. He finally pulled away so that he could look into those blue eyes. “This is why you did not respond to my affection?”

“You deserved it to be special, Spock. I wanted the words to matter.”

“Ashayam,” Spock said softly, stroking his thumb over Jim’s bottom lip. “The sentiment itself is special because it comes from you. I needed no special words.”

Jim kissed him, long and slow. Then he touched his forehead to Spock’s. “Were you really worried I didn’t love you?”

“I believed you did,” Spock admitted. “But you said it to others and not to me and I began to feel uncertain.”

“Oh, baby. None of them are you. They could never be you. You’re more important than anyone to me.”

Spock closed his eyes, letting the words wash over him. “I feel the same.”

Jim’s lips ghosted over Spock’s eyelids. “I love you. Forever.”

“As I do you. Taluhk nash-veh k'du.”

Jim pulled back with a smile. “See, I totally said that wrong, didn’t I?”

Spock allowed his lips to form a smile of their own. “As I said, you said it perfectly.”

Jim grasped Spock’s jaw. “Kiss me.”

And Spock did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will note that this says "Part 1". The next fic for this series is called "He Loves Me" and will begin to be posted sometime in the future. It will be related to 5+1 things and marriage.


End file.
